While it is the season where we are focused more on giving, the concept of giving less to others is always relevant.
Overcommitting and serving others is something the people I work with struggle with all year long. It just so happens that this time of year, which is known as “the season of giving” so it’s extra hot right now. It may be the time of year where you give extra even though you really didn’t have much more to give.
You might be a giver all year long. Maybe you read that and don’t think it’s true because you could always be giving and doing more for other people. Can we be real with each other right now though? Sometimes all the giving, serving, and loving you do is at your own expense. If we want to be even more honest with each other maybe it’s happening a lot of times. I know you care about people and love to take care of others. Like all of us humans though, sometimes you don’t want to give to others but do so out of obligation, guilt, or fear of being a bad person.
There are negative consequences to giving too much to others.
By giving too much you become burned out and resentful. It might surprise you to know this is actually a normal and healthy reaction. You are meant to feel those emotions when you’ve given too much or you’ve been taken advantage of. Emotions are messages that communicate important things to us. You might feel angry when you are asked to do one more thing because you’re exhausted and haven’t had time to even catch your breath. Anger isn’t your enemy like you think it is but is actually designed to help you set boundaries and to say no so you can get back to doing what you love and care about.
If you aren’t angry, maybe your body is giving you other signs to slow and to be giving less to others.
Signs you need to be giving and doing less:
You’re feeling more tired than usual.
If you find yourself feeling exhausted and don’t have the energy you are used to having, maybe it’s a sign you’re doing too much. Our bodies give us messages that it’s time to slow down by letting us know it’s giving too much. This is not a weakness of your body but is actually a sign your body is functioning and doing too much.
You feel irritable and angry about what is required of you.
Let me reiterate again, it’s normal to feel angry and upset when there is either more asked of us, or we feel obligated to do more. These emotions let us know if someone has crossed our boundaries if we feel taken advantage o, and to do something about it. Yes decreasing and regulating these emotions are important for our relationships and well-being AND also looking at them as helpful and a message to us is equally as important.
You’re more prone to illness than before.
If you’re noticing your body is getting easily and more often, it might mean you’re exerting too much of yourself. This is another sign from your body to do something differently. While maybe you aren’t doing anything physically taxing, it doens’t seem to matter to our bodies because the emotional toll is equally as exhausting.
You’re having trouble sleeping.
Sleep really suffers when we are feeling overwhelmed or we have a lot on our plate. You may be having stressful sleep and vivid dreams or trouble falling or staying asleep altogether. This is problematic because our bodies require sleep in order to function but sleep is also significant to our mental health.
When we are feeling burned out and resentful, it probably means it’s high time to set some boundaries baby!
Boundaries are critical to keeping our mental health intact. Boundaries aren’t about keeping others out but rather keeping what we value and care about safe. We all need boundaries, and our relationships require boundaries to be healthy.
Ways to set boundaries:
Just say no
You learned it in elementary school in your DARE program, and you learn it again now as an adult: just say no. You don’t need to offer explanations or justifications for your answer. You can politely just say no.
Turn down service opportunities
Contrary to what you may be telling yourself, you aren’t a bad person if you turn down a service opportunity. It’s not your job to take care of everyone and everything. I know your value to take care of other people runs strong and equally as important is for you to take care of yourself.
Don’t attend every activity you’re invited to
You may be invited to do and participate in a lot of different activities but you don’t need to say yes to all of them. Quality over quantity is what’s important. You don’t have to show up to family dinner every week. You don’t have to go to every game night or every sporting event. It doesn’t make you a bad person if don’t do it all. Choose what is most important to you and focus on this.
Remember your emotions are messages, not your enemies
The goal is not to change your feelings but to listen to them and act upon what they’re saying to you. If you’re going to end up resentful, do not give up. Consider before you commit to something, is it going to make you resentful? If the answer is yes, don’t do it. The goal is to show up for the people you love and care about in a genuine and authentic way. Giving isn’t always about having a “grin and bear it” attitude. I know relationships mean a lot to you, and you are great at them but don’t let it be at your own expense.
I’m going to say what I said before but in bold so you can have this message reiterated to you….
It doesn’t make you a bad person to say no
I understand if that goes against everything you’ve believed about yourself and being selfless. I think it can be easy to forget that you and your needs matter just as much as everyone else’s.
Quality over quantity is important when we have this value of giving. Take care of yourself and MAYBE practice letting other people take care of you. You’re doing the best you can and just as you like to give to other people, try giving back to yourself.
Working with an anxiety therapist can help.
If this all feels out of reach and difficult to do on your own, that’s ok! Therapy can help. There are probably reasons why this is difficult for you, and maybe you don’t even know what those are. The focus of therapy is to help dig into these emotions of guilt and anger and to get you feeling better about yourself. Whether you are struggling with anxiety, body image, trauma, or disordered eating, I would love to help. Therapy is meant to be a place to help you share what you are feeling and sort it all out.
Begin therapy for high-functioning anxiety in Utah
if you find yourself giving too much and being afraid to take a step back. You might have symptoms of high-functioning anxiety. This Northern Utah Counseling Practice has an anxiety therapist specializing in high-functioning anxiety. To begin counseling, follow the steps below:
Meet with a therapist for anxiety
Begin finding freedom from fear
Online anxiety therapy in Utah
In an effort to make going to therapy more accessible to you, I provide online therapy in Utah. Online therapy is safe, convenient, and just as effective as in-person therapy.
Online Counseling also means that I can work with you wherever you are in Utah. I work with clients in Cedar City, St. George, Logan, Salt Lake City, Heber, and more.
Other mental health services provided by Maple Canyon Therapy
Anxiety therapy isn’t the only counseling service this Utah County Counseling Practice offers. Other mental health services provided by Maple Canyon therapy include body image therapy, eating disorder therapy, trauma therapy, birth trauma, and binge eating disorder treatment.